Q & A For Software Testers

A lot of people make you pay real money for questionable advice,
but not me.  I guarantee that the following answers to common
testing questions are 100 percent truth free! If you are not fully
dissatisfied, I'll refund every penny.

Q: I manage a project that needs more staff, but I'm on a tight
budget. What should I do?

A: Move your best testers into development, after all, testing is
just a side function. Emphasize this concept by banishing people
you don't like into testing. You don't need to train these people,
anyone who can find a bowling ball in a box of Cream O' Wheat can
find bugs in a program.

Q: A tester told me some of my code is creating an error, but I
can't reproduce the result. The problem can't be with my code
because I'm a developer, so I'm smarter than he is. This leaves
two plausible explanations: (1) his test case is messed up; (2)
he's a complete doofus, so I get to call him "bratwurst-for-brains"
behind his back. What do you think?

A: You may also refer to him as "Mr. Cabbage Cranium" in staff
meetings.  You're right, if you can't reproduce the error, there
wasn't one. Resubmit your module to appease testing, but only after
adding some additional features you thought up. You don't need to
document these additions, however, because they'll run just fine.

Q: I'm a really good tester, but some developers don't like me
because I live only to find their mistakes, after which I rush into
their cubicles, leap onto the desk, and chant "I caught you, I
caught you, another bug, I caught you!" while doing a superiority
dance.  My question: should I also bring a boom box with recorded
musical accompaniment?

A: Certainly. And you'll truly win their hearts if you make remarks
to the effect that if other types of engineers had defect rates
like theirs, you wouldn't be able to drive to Burger King without
getting beaned by falling DC-10 parts. After all, is this so hard?
Anyone who can operate a blender without losing a major limb should
be able to code an error-free module! And they call themselves
engineers? You could expect the same defect rate from trained
beavers, for heaven's sake!  Note: DO NOT, under any circumstances,
let a developer know the defect rate for your test cases.

Q: What is it with all the above references to food, i.e., Cream
O' Wheat, Burger King, and bratwurst? Are you hungry or something?

A: Now that you mention it, every time I pull one of these unpaid
all-nighters in an effort to bring you, the valued reader, the
highest-quality column possible, I do become a bit hungry, although
whenever the baby comes home from the hospital, all that's left
for me to eat is government surplus cheese and grass clippings.
But I'm not complaining, because with my last paycheck I finally
got our shoes out of the repair shop, and soon we'll be able to
buy some flour and possibly even some blankets.

Q: Your pay appraisal is coming up soon, isn't it?

A: It is? I must have been too busy moonlighting at the slaughterhouse
to notice.

Q: The development team just sent a huge legacy upgrade "over the
wall" to our testing team. Documentation consists of a note that
says, "This code is strictly organized according to what we call
the Ball-of-Spaghetti-and-Uncommented-Patches architecture. We
think this is some kind of database program." Because the developers
were late, our testing time was cut to one-third. Now we'll have
time to test maybe 5 percent of full coverage. As usual, any errors
that reach the client will be blamed on us. We're at the end of
our rope, any ideas?

A: Work smarter, not harder. A good pep talk every day should do
the trick.

Q: Really? We were thinking a hostage situation would be more
appropriate.

A: That idea has been done to death. Besides, are you really really
sure the client expects the program to meet all the requirements
and work right? Remember, the average mass-market software consumer
is willing to pay full price for products that are a couple releases
short of finished. Why should your customer be any different?
Unfortunately, I must put an end to the advice for now. I really
am hungry, so I'm going to pop over to Burger King, just in case
they're mowing the lawn today. Holler if you see any flaming aircraft
parts coming my way.

 This article was found by a subscriber in a magzine called CrossTALK
http://www.stsc.hill.af.mil/CrossTalk/crostalk.html