The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, the old "write it 100 times" punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. The sentence changes with each episode for the first few seasons. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the chalkboard. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not defame New Orleans. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. Coffee is not for kids. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head." Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan." I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. There are plenty of businesses like show business. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not waste chalk. I will not skateboard in the halls. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I will not instigate revolution. I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes." Garlic gum is not funny. They are laughing at me, not with me. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything. I will not Xerox my butt. It's potato, not potatoe. I will not trade pants with others. I am not a 32 year old woman. I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property. I will not cut corners. I will not squeak chalk. I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not make flatulent noises in class. I will not belch the National Anthem. I will not sell land in Florida. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again. I will not torment the emotionally frail. I will not show off. I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist. I will not bribe Principal Skinner. Spitwads are not free speech. I will finish what I start. Nobody likes sunburn slappers. "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender. High explosives and school don't mix. Hamsters cannot fly. I will not send lard through the mail. I will not use abbrev. Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal. Indian burns are not our cultural heritage. I will not dissect things unless instructed. I will not hang donuts on my person. No one wants to hear my armpits. I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface. I will not strut around like I own the place. Next time it could be me on the scaffolding. The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far. I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist. I am not a lean mean spitting machine. I will not whittle hall passes out of soap. Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things. I do not have power of attorney over first graders. Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does. I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr. I am not certified to remove asbestos. "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice. I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball. I will remember to take my medication. The boys room is not a water park. Beans are neither fruit nor musical. Nerve gas is not a toy. "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism. The First Amendment does not cover burping. Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough.